Pieces of me

I sat on my porch last nite, the beautiful sound of spring rain falling around me. I have been painting a lot lately. I have felt compelled by the past few days to really acknowledge my fears and insecurities, to purge some of the burden of these doubts. I used to give pieces of myself away to any open hand, with little discretion and left gaping holes where my love had been. I protect the people I love with fierce intensity and am capable of giving huge amounts of support and kindness to those around me. However in contrast I do not protect myself or afford myself the same respect and consideration I give to the people I love. I realize now that it has been a long time since I have been truly happy, since I have experienced the feeling of knowing I am valuable and deserving of love. I deserve great happiness.
I saw a glimpse of happiness, the possibility of real love and mutual respect. For the first time in my life I feel the need and ability to do the rite thing for myself. I see how others feel somewhat similar to how I feel, that beautiful people experience great doubt.



The first time he complimented me, for the first time in my life, I just tried to accept it and say thank you. I am so terrible at accepting compliments and often times, I now realize, dismiss what the person is saying to me in the awkwardness of my self-doubt.
This past year has contained some of the most intense introspection I have ever experienced.
In that vein, as I continue to bare myself so openly, I share this. I have been painting, writing, thinking, crying, laughing . . . Part of my fear has always manifested in my unwillingness to expose myself to people artistically.
Now sparks a time of new resolve, intention and courage.


My Nana's Buddha: