Keeping a beat in the present tense

There is no time other than now. The past is a completely subjective combination of memories, impressions, and interpretations skewed and enhanced by human emotion. The future, stated most simply, is unpredictable. And in saying it is unpredictable, I mean that no one knows what is going to happen. The future is a concept, a reason to do or not do something. To forecast, project or invent a future path is to completely neglect the power of randomness and the unpredictability of free will. The only time that exists, with our conscious participation, is the present moment.

It is in this truth that I found it a little easier to go out on a limb recently, and do something that would normally intimidate me. Rob, Chris, Adam and I jammed. We, together, played instruments and made music. Maybe three or four times in my life have I actually had the courage, or maybe just lacked the inhibition, to play the drums knowing other people could not only hear me, but were going to play instruments that they knew how to play, at the same time. This is a very intense experience. It goes way beyond the place where I feel comfortable and hurtles me into an atmosphere of exposure in a massive vastness, like the way the universe feels. It is only an example, and that's not to say whether or not it actually sounded good.

But you who are reading this, and I both know, that's not the point.

(In these photos are Christofuh and Rob. Adam, who had been playing the accordion had already left.)
Thanks Fellas : )

Grateful for the sanctuary and shelter of this space:

An Ode to Spontaneous Growth and Spring

I walked to the park today, appreciating all the spontaneous growth, or weeds as some choose to call them.
At the park, I swung on a swing for a very long time. I can't remember the last time I did that. I listened to beautiful music and watched all the (other) kids play.
Yesterday I spent the day painting small watercolors and lying in the sun. It is such a blessing to be able to indulge in this world, in this season, in life.

I am grateful.

Moon Pies and Finding Buddha

A few random images to share:

Pieces of me

I sat on my porch last nite, the beautiful sound of spring rain falling around me. I have been painting a lot lately. I have felt compelled by the past few days to really acknowledge my fears and insecurities, to purge some of the burden of these doubts. I used to give pieces of myself away to any open hand, with little discretion and left gaping holes where my love had been. I protect the people I love with fierce intensity and am capable of giving huge amounts of support and kindness to those around me. However in contrast I do not protect myself or afford myself the same respect and consideration I give to the people I love. I realize now that it has been a long time since I have been truly happy, since I have experienced the feeling of knowing I am valuable and deserving of love. I deserve great happiness.
I saw a glimpse of happiness, the possibility of real love and mutual respect. For the first time in my life I feel the need and ability to do the rite thing for myself. I see how others feel somewhat similar to how I feel, that beautiful people experience great doubt.



The first time he complimented me, for the first time in my life, I just tried to accept it and say thank you. I am so terrible at accepting compliments and often times, I now realize, dismiss what the person is saying to me in the awkwardness of my self-doubt.
This past year has contained some of the most intense introspection I have ever experienced.
In that vein, as I continue to bare myself so openly, I share this. I have been painting, writing, thinking, crying, laughing . . . Part of my fear has always manifested in my unwillingness to expose myself to people artistically.
Now sparks a time of new resolve, intention and courage.


My Nana's Buddha:

The beginning of something and the completion of something.

Two very beautiful people recently suggested that I may enjoy having a blog.

Today is the perfect day for me to embark on this because today marks the completion of an art project I started 3 years ago. Today also brings about new life, fresh lite and hope.
I sketched a basic outline for this painting when I was living in the "cabana". I knew from the beginning how it was to be finished but in the three years since its fruition, I hadn't approached it again. I knew the materials I wanted to use and for the first time really saw something before I created it. Today I revisited and finished it.
This piece started in a time of great seperation from things, including myself. It represents to me the release of fear and the acceptance of change.
I never doubted that this project would be finished. Somewhere in the back of my mind there was comfort in that knowledge.
This is a bridge traversing the past few years, encompassing the sadness, fear, isolation, adjustment, and uncertain waters of the recent past.
Life has brought me new gifts and lessons in the past few weeks that have gotten me to the point where I was ready to finish this.
So, with verbose explanation comes an image of a thought of a feeling.